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We all know one. You may have been that person at some point. You might still be that person. If you are I’m not going to beat around the bush. You need to shut the fuck up and figure out you’re an idiot. Maybe not in all aspects of life but in the social arena of joke telling and banter you suck.
There’s hope though. You don’t have to continue to be the jackass who says stuff so embarrassing that other people won’t call you on it. Plus, really, it’s more the fault of those around you who let you get away with it. Lucky for you I’m that friend who doesn’t put up with that shit. I’m the friend who’s going to check you on that jackassery. I’m going to do this for you because I don’t think you know the evil that you do.
Luckily chances are better that it’s not you, you’re not one of them. Who are they? They’re the Dumb Joke People.

The most obvious offender is somebody who is hard to recognize outside of a certain situation. It’s like how you don’t know Uncle Rick is a pedophile until you two are out and happen to drive by a grade school and he Freudian slips. Instead of asking  “Wanna hit Burger Factory and get some wings and a couple of beers?” he says “Want to steal one of those kids and tape me into a bear costume?”
Really awkward. That changes Christmas. Make sure you’re paying attention because if you think he was talking about wings and say yes you are no longer cool.
But I’m wandering.
This person, this offender, is with you in a restaurant. Just like Uncle Rick they’re chill and normal and that’s why you’re out with them. Until there’s blood in the water. The restaurant is that water. It’s where they find their a prey, The Server. Now, most servers I know are still hung over, usually half stoned, and on about four hours of sleep. (Fuck you Mary Lynn, you know this shit is true) So imagine this waitstaff representative carrying a tray of poppers and cheese curds, your milk shakes and your Blue Moons. She’s working hard for that 8% tip you’re going to leave. She drops off your 16,000 calories, she clears your table and is off. On her way back to the kitchen she drops a glass, a tray, a pitcher. Whatever.

That’s when this asshole strikes.
What do you do, oh shitty joke person? You look around at the tables near you, wide eyed and startled. Then in slow motion you grow that full faced shit eating grin and begin to clap. You clap and and continue to look around, but now for approval because nobody enjoys public humiliation like you. For some reason you think everybody else enjoys it as much as you do but that’s because you’re stupid. You clap until people start talking and watching Chili’s TV or whatever the hell is on the television behind you.

If you’re the person who claps when a server drops a tray, or a glass, or a sandwich, you are shitty. Stop doing this right fucking now. It’s not funny, it’s not wacky, it’s not cool. If you yell out something like “Put that anywhere!” then you should have your toes cut off. Also, this is always a guy. Ladies don’t do this.

The rest are sorta simple so I’m going to move through them quickly. If you find yourself saying any of the following you need to ask yourself why, but you have to ask yourself that after you purge these phrases from your vocabulary. And yes that includes if you’re using them ironically, which nobody does. And if you’re doing anything in public ironically then you need to put down the PBR, get the carabiner off of your key chain, wash the wax out of your mustache, take off the unicorn t-shirt, and quit. Quit trying. Trying so, so, so hard. Quit deciding who to be.

The rest..

When something doesn’t scan at the grocery store, Target, whatever, and they say “It’s free!”

When somebody eats all their food and says “Hated it!” to the server. Or vice versa.

When you ask if they need help finding anything and they say “Yeah, a winning lottery ticket.” or “Yeah a million dollars.”

Anytime somebody says “no onion” when ordering something and the person taking the order says “Ok extra onion!”

The person who “comically” disassociates themselves from something popular by mispronouncing/spelling it. We ALL know that it’s not Pokemans.

The person who hands somebody a $50 bill and says they just made it.

Here’s the big one. The one that when I heard it last mad my vision go blurry. The person who said it meant it, too.

“Extra protein.”

You know what I’m talking about. Fuck you, person who says this. It’s perhaps the most wrong of all these things. The most absurd and lazy and dumb of them all. It’s the old man at the top of Dumb Joke Mountain using a Shake Weight all wide eyed waiting for you to show up so he can make a masturbation joke.
This thing, it’s not funny. It was never funny. Ever. Children know it’s not funny. It’s almost insulting. They’re taking time, your time, to say something to you that they know isn’t funny. We all know this. And probably, we’ve all said one or two of them. It’s those few who continue to do it even when they know better that are the offenders. They aren’t even trying. It’s like having a guest over to their home and offering them a glass of water left over from their nightstand. Even if you’re kinda thirsty you both know you’re not drinking that shit. It has hair in it. What they’re doing is demanding your attention to tell you that you aren’t worth their time to come up with something worth saying. Their time is so valuable that they have to literally waste yours.

If you say this joke to me expect me to spit that water back in your face. I’d rather you left me parched and disappointed than insulted with such a bullshit attempt. If you make one of those jokes to me I’m going to run you into the ground with it.
 

 

 

I had an idea tonight for something that I wanted to write about and I can’t remember it.
I was at dinner with two friends and some part of the conversation turned to something and then I think we may have all agreed on it and then I thought, “I need to write this down so I don’t forget it because I have all kinds of stuff I want to say about it but there’s no time to do it right now because I’ll totally become overbearing at this point in the conversation so I should write this down.” but I didn’t.
I didn’t want to sit there and tap at my phone.
Lesson learned is that A) i need to bring along one of my fancy ass moleskin notebooks and use it and B) if you’re at dinner with people and pull out a fancy ass moleskin notebook and say “one sec, I need to write down something that you guys just made me want to write about later” people will probably be complimented. If you hold up your finger in the number one position, palm out, and then type at your phone, not so much.

For this reason cargo pants are still valid.

1) Describe Yourself :

” I’m easy going and down to earth.” Every damn girl says this. Just find something else to say about yourself because the ratios just don’t hold up ladies. I’m not going to say that stereotypes exist for a reason but we all know somebody who fits snug as a goddamn bug into one or another. Guess what stereotype does NOT exist for girls. Down to earth and easy going.

” I like to hike and workout.”  Again, mostly due to the sheer number of girls that say this, and the number compared to how many girls absolutely detest being sweaty, much less sweaty and dirty.. hmm. Suspicious. Looks like you’re going for an easy out statement because guys are tooootally into girls that hike and work out, right? Just go put your LuLu on and go to the grocery store already.

dg3

Hi. I’m Karen. I’m at peace with nature. Please ignore the sunrise.

 

 2) Diet :

“Mostly Vegetarian.” Bullshit. I mean, yes, there are a ton of vegetarian or “mostly vegetarian” girls out there but it’s not 99 goddamn percent. By simple recollection of most of the girls I know, have seen eat, or have eaten with, I’m acknowledging that maybe 30% order mostly vegetarian most of the time.
So apparently some of these “Mostly Vegetarian” would-be daters seem to think that there’s something to gain by saying they eat mostly veggies. Bad call. Most guys like meat and would probably love to grill you something, even if it’s lettuce (because if you’re into a grilled Portobello you’re phoning it in).
In fact, you want to know a way to get a guy wet? Ask him to stay in, drink beer and grill. You can read a book or watch Grey’s while he’s outside with fire.

3) Photographic Proof :

 Taking pictures in a Yoga pose while out hiking, on the beach, in park. Really anywhere that isn’t a Yoga studio. So you’re into Yoga. Awesome. Grabbing your toes and leaning forward and balancing on one foot isn’t easy. Plus there’s that whole being hot because you’re in shape thing too. However, doing it in front of a cactus or on a mountaintop doesn’t make me think you’re deep or connected to Mother Gaia. Doing Yoga in the boonies is silly. There are so very, very few people who will go on a hike just so they can tree pose next to dirt. Putting yourself in front of a beautiful, serene, natural setting and then taking a picture in some dumbass pose means you want people to look at the beauty on the outside because if you had it on the inside you wouldn’t be in the fucking picture.

 

 Nature can't truly be appreciated without showing off.

Nature can’t truly be appreciated without showing off.

 

4) Things you’re best at :

“Everything! Lol! No seriously, I’m crazy and should probably be locked up but if i put my mind to it I can do anything.” I love confidence. Really, I do. Believe in yourself and you’ll go far. But give me a break. I’ve seen this shit over and over and over.
You’re never going to be an astronaut. Why? Because you suck at science. That (space)ship has sailed. You’re also never going to be a gold medalist in hockey at the Olympics.

Will you be able to plant a garden this year and grow your own carrots? Sure. Are you going to pay off your studen loan? Maybe! But you will never, ever, be the Queen of England. I don’t care how hard you put your wacky mind to it, you won’t. You are not, just absolutely no-way-possible in the realm of being an actual human being, able to do anything you put your mind to. That reality doesn’t exist here. Quit using your words wrong.

If you were I wouldn’t be making fun of you. Simply stating it correctly would have convinced me.

Unless you filled out your profile without putting your mind to it.

5) Sexuality :

Bisexual.  Bullshit. Making out with Jen in the cab on the way home after the Sticky Shirts show doesn’t count.
Breaking up with Jen after six months might.

dg2

At least it’s not the goddamn tree pose.

I won’t pretend to be a grammar nazi. Not only do I spell things wrong my fare shaire of the time but use a crap ton of commas, I use the ellipses wrong, and I often just refuse to capitalize. If you want me to deal with predicate nomnitives and properly synch an inferred subject into a tense I’m not willing to think about..well..no.

However, one of my most grating pet peeves is when people just use language wrong. Now, let me qualify this a bit. I’m ok with people taking the language and using it, intentionally, in an inappropriate way. People get their swerve on, somebody is topping a juicer, your Betty’s a chipper, etc. Game on, run with it.

Here’s what bugs me.

Shit like –

— “more than you could imagine”

”Hey Tina, how was the show?”

”Oh dude, there were more people there than you could imagine (insert lol)!”

Bullshit. Let’s ride this pony together.
Imagine this. A hockey arena. The size of the moon. It’s filled with pregnant women. Every pregnant woman has a pregnant baby on her shoulders. Pregnant babies. I’m imagining pregnant babies in order to prove you wrong. Did your concert have fucking pregnant babies? Well, it’s Phoenix so probably one.

There were more fucking people at your Kanye show than that?
Really? More people than I can imagine?

Fuck you.

Today, when I went onto Facebook…ok hold on, let me start over. Today, one of the times I went onto Facebook, I had a message from one of my Aunts. We’ll call her Judy. She had recently posted a blurb about how my Aunt Tootie and Uncle Seamus had a house in Co. Springs that was near a wildfire that was creeping ever close.

whooosh

The fire was three miles away. According to Aunt Judy everybody was calm and hopeful. Her post ended asking people to pray for them. Ok, sure, post whatever you want on Facebook. Facebook prayers make everything better, right?

Then, a few hours later, an old friend from High School posted a picture of a Springs area simply ablaze. Large five and six bedroom, three story homes, lined with huge beautiful evergreen trees, and wall of flame closing in. The only caption… “Please Pray”.

Ok, so, seriously, what the fuck? I want to grab all of these people and just shake them. I want to shake them until their necks pop like knuckles. I want to slap them until their molars hurt. I want to do a Three Stooges

You want me to pray? To who? Pray to God? I’ll assume it’s The God as it’s generally the Christian Right who assume that nobody would ever pray to any other god but the one they talk to. The God who sits apart from man and lets them make their own decisions, that one?

You want me to sit here and ask him to save your house and stuff from a fire? Where did that fire come from? Where did those trees, so suddenly alight, come from? Where did the wood and copper and stone of those homes come from? If you believe in God then you probably believe that he knew what he was doing when he made trees flamable. Sure, I’ll pray for your house that would be a home for like sixty people in some countries won’t burst into flames and ruin your Petunias and Burber Carpet. That would terrible. A terrible to the point of begging GOD for a reprieve.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not religious. I don’t pray to this God because, while I’m spiritual, I don’t think praying does squat, shit, jack, or diddly. God’s not going to fix your brakes or give you a winning lottery ticket or decide grandma doesn’t have cancer just because you ASKED for it, just because that’s what you want. This, to me, is just about the absolute height of egotism.

Who the fuck do you think are you that you want me to pray to save your house from an act of God. Like God is sitting up there in a big white throne of light, playing checkers with Buddha, and has to go “oh wait, wait, hold on there Sidh, there are seriously, like, a couple hundred people right now asking me to save all their shit. they got together on facebook and all prayed so this is seriousl business bro.  there’s like, this fire burning right now, and all their stuff is in the way. poor fuckers. i’ve gotta go.”
“oh, well, ya they have insurance, so they’ll just get another giant house, but seriously brah, imagine the boredom! plus how lame is it to stay in a hotel for like a month? well, no, they’er not asking me to end pedophilia, or convince the chefs of bioterrorism to chill out and stop melting eyeballs, or any of that all of the holy war stuff, no, no. they’re not asking for enough food to feed all of their over procreating mouths, (you know, feed those starving children in all of those countries these particular people can’t find on a map) …they want me to put out a fire so they don’t lose their TVs and have to go home hunting again. totally understandable. i’m on it. speaking of which, right now there’s five guys in cleveland video taping the rape of a six year old girl, i’m gonna have to ignore that for the time being to PUT OUT THIS FUCKING FIRE.”

Now, pardon me while I go pray for those dipshits to wake the fuck up.