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Monthly Archives: July 2012

I won’t pretend to be a grammar nazi. Not only do I spell things wrong my fare shaire of the time but use a crap ton of commas, I use the ellipses wrong, and I often just refuse to capitalize. If you want me to deal with predicate nomnitives and properly synch an inferred subject into a tense I’m not willing to think about..well..no.

However, one of my most grating pet peeves is when people just use language wrong. Now, let me qualify this a bit. I’m ok with people taking the language and using it, intentionally, in an inappropriate way. People get their swerve on, somebody is topping a juicer, your Betty’s a chipper, etc. Game on, run with it.

Here’s what bugs me.

Shit like –

— “more than you could imagine”

”Hey Tina, how was the show?”

”Oh dude, there were more people there than you could imagine (insert lol)!”

Bullshit. Let’s ride this pony together.
Imagine this. A hockey arena. The size of the moon. It’s filled with pregnant women. Every pregnant woman has a pregnant baby on her shoulders. Pregnant babies. I’m imagining pregnant babies in order to prove you wrong. Did your concert have fucking pregnant babies? Well, it’s Phoenix so probably one.

There were more fucking people at your Kanye show than that?
Really? More people than I can imagine?

Fuck you.

Today, when I went onto Facebook…ok hold on, let me start over. Today, one of the times I went onto Facebook, I had a message from one of my Aunts. We’ll call her Judy. She had recently posted a blurb about how my Aunt Tootie and Uncle Seamus had a house in Co. Springs that was near a wildfire that was creeping ever close.

whooosh

The fire was three miles away. According to Aunt Judy everybody was calm and hopeful. Her post ended asking people to pray for them. Ok, sure, post whatever you want on Facebook. Facebook prayers make everything better, right?

Then, a few hours later, an old friend from High School posted a picture of a Springs area simply ablaze. Large five and six bedroom, three story homes, lined with huge beautiful evergreen trees, and wall of flame closing in. The only caption… “Please Pray”.

Ok, so, seriously, what the fuck? I want to grab all of these people and just shake them. I want to shake them until their necks pop like knuckles. I want to slap them until their molars hurt. I want to do a Three Stooges

You want me to pray? To who? Pray to God? I’ll assume it’s The God as it’s generally the Christian Right who assume that nobody would ever pray to any other god but the one they talk to. The God who sits apart from man and lets them make their own decisions, that one?

You want me to sit here and ask him to save your house and stuff from a fire? Where did that fire come from? Where did those trees, so suddenly alight, come from? Where did the wood and copper and stone of those homes come from? If you believe in God then you probably believe that he knew what he was doing when he made trees flamable. Sure, I’ll pray for your house that would be a home for like sixty people in some countries won’t burst into flames and ruin your Petunias and Burber Carpet. That would terrible. A terrible to the point of begging GOD for a reprieve.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not religious. I don’t pray to this God because, while I’m spiritual, I don’t think praying does squat, shit, jack, or diddly. God’s not going to fix your brakes or give you a winning lottery ticket or decide grandma doesn’t have cancer just because you ASKED for it, just because that’s what you want. This, to me, is just about the absolute height of egotism.

Who the fuck do you think are you that you want me to pray to save your house from an act of God. Like God is sitting up there in a big white throne of light, playing checkers with Buddha, and has to go “oh wait, wait, hold on there Sidh, there are seriously, like, a couple hundred people right now asking me to save all their shit. they got together on facebook and all prayed so this is seriousl business bro.  there’s like, this fire burning right now, and all their stuff is in the way. poor fuckers. i’ve gotta go.”
“oh, well, ya they have insurance, so they’ll just get another giant house, but seriously brah, imagine the boredom! plus how lame is it to stay in a hotel for like a month? well, no, they’er not asking me to end pedophilia, or convince the chefs of bioterrorism to chill out and stop melting eyeballs, or any of that all of the holy war stuff, no, no. they’re not asking for enough food to feed all of their over procreating mouths, (you know, feed those starving children in all of those countries these particular people can’t find on a map) …they want me to put out a fire so they don’t lose their TVs and have to go home hunting again. totally understandable. i’m on it. speaking of which, right now there’s five guys in cleveland video taping the rape of a six year old girl, i’m gonna have to ignore that for the time being to PUT OUT THIS FUCKING FIRE.”

Now, pardon me while I go pray for those dipshits to wake the fuck up.