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Monthly Archives: March 2016

We all know one. You may have been that person at some point. You might still be that person. If you are I’m not going to beat around the bush. You need to shut the fuck up and figure out you’re an idiot. Maybe not in all aspects of life but in the social arena of joke telling and banter you suck.
There’s hope though. You don’t have to continue to be the jackass who says stuff so embarrassing that other people won’t call you on it. Plus, really, it’s more the fault of those around you who let you get away with it. Lucky for you I’m that friend who doesn’t put up with that shit. I’m the friend who’s going to check you on that jackassery. I’m going to do this for you because I don’t think you know the evil that you do.
Luckily chances are better that it’s not you, you’re not one of them. Who are they? They’re the Dumb Joke People.

The most obvious offender is somebody who is hard to recognize outside of a certain situation. It’s like how you don’t know Uncle Rick is a pedophile until you two are out and happen to drive by a grade school and he Freudian slips. Instead of asking  “Wanna hit Burger Factory and get some wings and a couple of beers?” he says “Want to steal one of those kids and tape me into a bear costume?”
Really awkward. That changes Christmas. Make sure you’re paying attention because if you think he was talking about wings and say yes you are no longer cool.
But I’m wandering.
This person, this offender, is with you in a restaurant. Just like Uncle Rick they’re chill and normal and that’s why you’re out with them. Until there’s blood in the water. The restaurant is that water. It’s where they find their a prey, The Server. Now, most servers I know are still hung over, usually half stoned, and on about four hours of sleep. (Fuck you Mary Lynn, you know this shit is true) So imagine this waitstaff representative carrying a tray of poppers and cheese curds, your milk shakes and your Blue Moons. She’s working hard for that 8% tip you’re going to leave. She drops off your 16,000 calories, she clears your table and is off. On her way back to the kitchen she drops a glass, a tray, a pitcher. Whatever.

That’s when this asshole strikes.
What do you do, oh shitty joke person? You look around at the tables near you, wide eyed and startled. Then in slow motion you grow that full faced shit eating grin and begin to clap. You clap and and continue to look around, but now for approval because nobody enjoys public humiliation like you. For some reason you think everybody else enjoys it as much as you do but that’s because you’re stupid. You clap until people start talking and watching Chili’s TV or whatever the hell is on the television behind you.

If you’re the person who claps when a server drops a tray, or a glass, or a sandwich, you are shitty. Stop doing this right fucking now. It’s not funny, it’s not wacky, it’s not cool. If you yell out something like “Put that anywhere!” then you should have your toes cut off. Also, this is always a guy. Ladies don’t do this.

The rest are sorta simple so I’m going to move through them quickly. If you find yourself saying any of the following you need to ask yourself why, but you have to ask yourself that after you purge these phrases from your vocabulary. And yes that includes if you’re using them ironically, which nobody does. And if you’re doing anything in public ironically then you need to put down the PBR, get the carabiner off of your key chain, wash the wax out of your mustache, take off the unicorn t-shirt, and quit. Quit trying. Trying so, so, so hard. Quit deciding who to be.

The rest..

When something doesn’t scan at the grocery store, Target, whatever, and they say “It’s free!”

When somebody eats all their food and says “Hated it!” to the server. Or vice versa.

When you ask if they need help finding anything and they say “Yeah, a winning lottery ticket.” or “Yeah a million dollars.”

Anytime somebody says “no onion” when ordering something and the person taking the order says “Ok extra onion!”

The person who “comically” disassociates themselves from something popular by mispronouncing/spelling it. We ALL know that it’s not Pokemans.

The person who hands somebody a $50 bill and says they just made it.

Here’s the big one. The one that when I heard it last mad my vision go blurry. The person who said it meant it, too.

“Extra protein.”

You know what I’m talking about. Fuck you, person who says this. It’s perhaps the most wrong of all these things. The most absurd and lazy and dumb of them all. It’s the old man at the top of Dumb Joke Mountain using a Shake Weight all wide eyed waiting for you to show up so he can make a masturbation joke.
This thing, it’s not funny. It was never funny. Ever. Children know it’s not funny. It’s almost insulting. They’re taking time, your time, to say something to you that they know isn’t funny. We all know this. And probably, we’ve all said one or two of them. It’s those few who continue to do it even when they know better that are the offenders. They aren’t even trying. It’s like having a guest over to their home and offering them a glass of water left over from their nightstand. Even if you’re kinda thirsty you both know you’re not drinking that shit. It has hair in it. What they’re doing is demanding your attention to tell you that you aren’t worth their time to come up with something worth saying. Their time is so valuable that they have to literally waste yours.

If you say this joke to me expect me to spit that water back in your face. I’d rather you left me parched and disappointed than insulted with such a bullshit attempt. If you make one of those jokes to me I’m going to run you into the ground with it.