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1) Describe Yourself :

” I’m easy going and down to earth.” Every damn girl says this. Just find something else to say about yourself because the ratios just don’t hold up ladies. I’m not going to say that stereotypes exist for a reason but we all know somebody who fits snug as a goddamn bug into one or another. Guess what stereotype does NOT exist for girls. Down to earth and easy going.

” I like to hike and workout.”  Again, mostly due to the sheer number of girls that say this, and the number compared to how many girls absolutely detest being sweaty, much less sweaty and dirty.. hmm. Suspicious. Looks like you’re going for an easy out statement because guys are tooootally into girls that hike and work out, right? Just go put your LuLu on and go to the grocery store already.

dg3

Hi. I’m Karen. I’m at peace with nature. Please ignore the sunrise.

 

 2) Diet :

“Mostly Vegetarian.” Bullshit. I mean, yes, there are a ton of vegetarian or “mostly vegetarian” girls out there but it’s not 99 goddamn percent. By simple recollection of most of the girls I know, have seen eat, or have eaten with, I’m acknowledging that maybe 30% order mostly vegetarian most of the time.
So apparently some of these “Mostly Vegetarian” would-be daters seem to think that there’s something to gain by saying they eat mostly veggies. Bad call. Most guys like meat and would probably love to grill you something, even if it’s lettuce (because if you’re into a grilled Portobello you’re phoning it in).
In fact, you want to know a way to get a guy wet? Ask him to stay in, drink beer and grill. You can read a book or watch Grey’s while he’s outside with fire.

3) Photographic Proof :

 Taking pictures in a Yoga pose while out hiking, on the beach, in park. Really anywhere that isn’t a Yoga studio. So you’re into Yoga. Awesome. Grabbing your toes and leaning forward and balancing on one foot isn’t easy. Plus there’s that whole being hot because you’re in shape thing too. However, doing it in front of a cactus or on a mountaintop doesn’t make me think you’re deep or connected to Mother Gaia. Doing Yoga in the boonies is silly. There are so very, very few people who will go on a hike just so they can tree pose next to dirt. Putting yourself in front of a beautiful, serene, natural setting and then taking a picture in some dumbass pose means you want people to look at the beauty on the outside because if you had it on the inside you wouldn’t be in the fucking picture.

 

 Nature can't truly be appreciated without showing off.

Nature can’t truly be appreciated without showing off.

 

4) Things you’re best at :

“Everything! Lol! No seriously, I’m crazy and should probably be locked up but if i put my mind to it I can do anything.” I love confidence. Really, I do. Believe in yourself and you’ll go far. But give me a break. I’ve seen this shit over and over and over.
You’re never going to be an astronaut. Why? Because you suck at science. That (space)ship has sailed. You’re also never going to be a gold medalist in hockey at the Olympics.

Will you be able to plant a garden this year and grow your own carrots? Sure. Are you going to pay off your studen loan? Maybe! But you will never, ever, be the Queen of England. I don’t care how hard you put your wacky mind to it, you won’t. You are not, just absolutely no-way-possible in the realm of being an actual human being, able to do anything you put your mind to. That reality doesn’t exist here. Quit using your words wrong.

If you were I wouldn’t be making fun of you. Simply stating it correctly would have convinced me.

Unless you filled out your profile without putting your mind to it.

5) Sexuality :

Bisexual.  Bullshit. Making out with Jen in the cab on the way home after the Sticky Shirts show doesn’t count.
Breaking up with Jen after six months might.

dg2

At least it’s not the goddamn tree pose.

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